Drink the Bitter Cup: When Trials Come, Keep Going!

For reasons both Brooke and I are not entirely certain of, perhaps added stress in our lives, perhaps some difficulties in my sleeping patterns or dietary habits, I have come face to face with the bitter cup of severe bouts of my anxiety again.  As in other instances, this has come after a period where I have been better able to cope with the difficulties I have been facing and have been more capable of handling the stresses and difficulties of life.  I have even almost felt that the long (22 years now) battle with mental illness was coming to a close.  But after a few great days of handling all of the stress and even being more assertive and better able to work with, serve, and love others than ever before, I have once again been faced with a terribly painful drop, where the world seems ugly and all around me are a foe.

Yet, I take comfort in knowing that God still does love me.  Whatever it is causing this, Heavenly Father has allowed me to go through this fiery trial, and He will deliver me again.  I have especially thought of what Elder Holland talked about it his talk from this last General Conference:

So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Like a Broken Vessel, October 2013 General Conference)

Especially on my mind is that last line:  "If the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."  I think that is my current lot, not to have relief right away, but to do my best to understand that those around me may not really hate or even dislike me, to realize that things will get better even if I can't see that at the moment.  But even if things don't get better, all I need to do is "be strong," and keep on going the best I can.  The Savior lived to see one of His closest friends and companions betray Him and His other friends to abandon Him.  From another talk in General Conference by Elder Holland:

With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. When the uttermost farthing had then been paid, when Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.” Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness, and despair. With faith in the God He knew was there, He could say in triumph, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”

Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” (None Were With Him, April 2009 General Conference)

I'm so grateful to a loving, wise, and all knowing Heavenly Father who knows all our weaknesses and difficulties and who knows what trials we need to go through, even though I can't yet say like Paul that "I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong," (2 Corinthians 12:10)  I'm also grateful for a loving Savior who walked alone so that I don't have to.