Rebellion vs. Weakness: finding strength in Christ

Yesterday morning, I had the opportunity to be up early pondering some things going on in my life.  I had been called in to work the night before but, as I was driving to Idaho Falls, I was given a call to let me know that I wouldn't be needed that day.

It was a really great opportunity for me, and I'm really grateful that I was called in even if I didn't get to work.  This is for a couple of reasons.  The first was that I'm getting closer to starting work at a new job.  I almost made it in!  I have been struggling with feelings of self-worth lately, especially since my wife and my financial circumstances are a little more difficult at the moment.  There is part of me that feels that it is my fault that I don't have a better job, because of my struggles with mental illness and more particularly the social anxiety.  To be called in, even if I didn't end up getting to work, was really awesome.  I have awesome supervisors, too, who keep letting me know that they appreciate me even if I haven't yet been able to work for them.

The other reason was that I was up and awake, and I had the opportunity to go for a walk around the falls at 5 am.  Really quiet, really peaceful and calm, and I was totally alone out there.  As I walked, I was able to vocally share some of what I had been thinking about my circumstances with my Heavenly Father in prayer.  Most especially, the setting reminded me that God really does love His children.  It was so somber, so peaceful, so beautiful.

I also happened to have with me my mp3 player that had some talks from general conference.  In the still and quiet hours of the early morning, I listened as Elder Richard G. Scott (Personal Strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, October 2013 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) talked about the Ammonites and their sons known as the stripling warriors.  The Spirit brought out some things to me as I listened to Elder Scott's words.  Especially this line stuck out to me:

"The joyful news for anyone who desires to be rid of the consequences of past poor choices is that the Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. Whereas the Lord warns that unrepented rebellion will bring punishment, when the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy."

 What a comfort this was to me in my distress and worry over my ability to provide for my wife and, in about 7 months, our little baby.  The Holy Ghost brought the words of Ether 12:27 to my mind, and I felt the Lord's approval, and His assurances that it was all going to be okay, for His "grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before [Him]; for if they humble themselves before [Him], and have faith in [Him], then will [He] make weak things become strong unto them."

One more reason I was grateful to Heavenly Father for the early morning yesterday:  I needed time to gain strength and energy for the evening that I had planned on using to rest.  Instead of this, my wife was on Facebook and saw my aunt's post that she was heading to the hospital because my grandpa was feeling really sick.  We ended up being in the hospital until 12:30 am.  I had been awake for almost 21 hours when Brooke and I finally got home. I don't know how I would've handled a 21 hour day, unsure how best to support grandpa and grandma and the others who were there during this trial if I had also worked for a total of 9 hours.  As things were, I only worked about 2 and a half hours and had time to rest my body and mind before finding all of what had happened out, and I had enough energy for the evening.  Even more wonderful, though stress, fatigue, and general tiredness all normally cause my anxiety problems to become more difficult, my struggles with anxiety that night were minimal.  I can only imagine how much worse they could have been if I had ended up working in
addition to all that occurred.

I am sure grateful for a kind and wise Heavenly Father who can make use of so many of my circumstances to teach me through the Holy Ghost, and who shows me of His love by reminding me that everything is going to be okay through His grace.