They are Their Own Judges, Whether to do Good or Do Evil

I was reading in Alma 41 this morning, and I came on verse 7, the end of which says:  "for behold, they are their own judges, whether to do good or do evil."  It struck me when I read that that I am also my own judge in this matter, and that I ultimately do have the choice to do good or do evil.  For me, this was a great comfort as I've struggling feeling like others have thought of me poorly.  The truth of the matter is that their judgement doesn't matter as much as my own choices.  If I choose to do good, then I can feel confident in feeling good.

I think this all goes back to the doctrine of agency.  Whatever others think, whatever they may do or say, I truly am in charge of my own choices, and only those matter ultimately to me and are of consequence to my eternal fate.  What others do, whether they are kind or cruel, can only effect me if I choose to allow it do so.

It's certainly an enabling doctrine, to know that we are free to act for ourselves and to choose our own fate even though we cannot choose what circumstances we are in or how others act.

Be Not Weary in Well Doing

I'm sure grateful for scripture study!  It is quite amazing at helping me put ideas into a Gospel perspective, and helping me receive revelation to help me in my struggles with anxiety.  :)


I was pondering upon things, and struggling with some more anxiety this morning, and as I studied in Alma 37, I read this verse:  "Teach them to never be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls." (Alma 37:34)  I had something happen at work that made me feel a desire to do something I knew was not right.  There was a piece of equipment that wasn't working properly, and I was pretty sure that I had broken it.  I felt like leaving it and letting someone else discover it and fix it, but I knew that that was not the right choice.  I told one of my supervisors about it, and offered to have the cost of the equipment paid for out of my wages.  My supervisor let me know that it was all right, and they would get it taken care of.  I felt a lot better about having done the right thing, even though my anxiety was bad and I was frightened about what others would think about me.

It made me think about how doing the right thing no matter what the situation is what my Heavenly Father and Christ would have me do.  It made me realize that I have developed some of that character that I had been hoping to develop, with no desire to do evil, but to do good continually.  It also made me realize how important doing good is.

My struggle for much of the morning was in doing right.  At work, I'm in a situation where my co-workers are sometimes swamped with work when I'm not.  Do I help them, knowing that perhaps the cause of them being overwhelmed may be from their own mistakes?  Do I help them, when I'm uncertain if my efforts to help are effective at truly helping them, or if they are not appreciated and maybe not wanted?  It's certainly a struggle for me, and a great trial most especially when I have the troubles with anxiety that cloud my judgement and make it difficult for me to think.

Anxiety causes severe emotional distress.  When the Amygdala, a part of the brain that controls memory and emotion, is highly agitated, it disrupts the functions of the Prefrontal Cortex, the part of the brain that controls logic and reasoning.  When my anxiety is high, it means that I can't think or reason properly because of that disruption, which means that the answers to simple questions of how best to hand something to someone or harder ones like how best to help someone handle their workload are beyond my capacity to easily reason out.  What is neat is that I can rely on Christ at those times and the Spirit to help me through those difficult times.  All I really need to do is keep striving to do good, to "never be weary of good works."  It makes me think also of a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants:  "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." (D&C 64:33)

After being able to collect my thoughts a bit at work, I was able to help my friend out who was getting angry and frustrated because of the overwhelming-ness of his workload.  Even though I'm uncertain if it was the best way to help or if I ought to have done something different, I can be confident that my efforts, though weak, were made strong in Christ, and that by simply striving to do "good works," I was truly doing good.

Let's not forget to keep doing good works, even when we are tired, worn out, frightened, or suffering great pain.  Christ loves us, despite our weaknesses and our perhaps failed attempts at serving Him.  He wants us to try even if we do end up failing, and He forgives us when we do fail.

Love you all, my dear friends!

Bear With All Manner of Afflictions

Struggling with great trials this morning again:  the anxiety has been tremendously bad today from circumstances beyond my control, and I've struggled with much pain, and sorrow, and anguish of soul.  I took out my scriptures and began reading, and came across these two verses in Alma:  "And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them;  But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." (Alma 34:40-41)  A few things really stood out to me.

One of them was to remember to not revile but to forgive those who revile against me.  This morning's anxiety struggle resulted mostly from the feeling that those around me were "reviling against me" because of personal weaknesses in my work.  Part of that may be from being new at the job still, yet I don't see it that way, and it sure hurts to feel like others don't like me even though I work hard to help them out even when I don't have to or have that help reciprocated.

The other phrase that really stood out to me was: "have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions."  Part of my struggles today resulted from sleep deprivation, which is a difficult stressor, and the amount of quality sleep I receive plays an important role in how I feel and how bad the anxiety is.  That phrase, "that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions," felt particularly pertinent to my circumstances.  I felt all kinds of need for rest, both in sleeping and relaxing and recuperating.   One day, I will rest from all my labors, from all care and sorrow, from all afflictions.  Even if the anxiety is so bad that all I can focus on is the pain I'm suffering right now (and the feelings associated with the anxiety that this pain will not go away), one day all pain will end and we will all be free from it.

I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who gives me such remarkable blessings and teaches me in so many different ways, even if they are occasionally painful.  One day, we really will rest from all the troubles of this life.

Love you all, my friends!

Because of Thy Son

This morning, I was recognizing that my spirituality had dropped a little because of a great lessening of the stresses that I've been facing at my different jobs and in general.  I realized that I hadn't been paying much attention to spiritual matters, or, rather, not enough to help me stay close to the Spirit and keep from suffering a great relapse in my anxiety problems.
I felt very sorrowful, even feeling that it might be a struggle to repent.  Not that I had any great or malignant sins, but that I hadn't been as grateful for blessings or as attentive to daily spiritual matters such as prayer and scripture study.  I went to my scriptures and had come to Alma 33 in my studies.  This verse popped out to me:

And you didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son.  (Alma 33:11)

A few things stuck out to me:  "it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me," and "thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of the Son."  I realized, Christ and my Heavenly Father are very merciful.  Jesus Christ didn't suffer and work out salvation for all mankind except for me;  He didn't do it for me to be miserable when I strive to follow Him in the sincerity of my heart.  He atoned that all men might be happy if they will repent.  If I strive to follow Him, to change my ways, to get better, does that not include me?

Let's all not forget that God does not just love perfect people, but all of His children, and He seeks that all men might be happy like Him.  Love you, my dear friends!

Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do

This morning, I was struggling feeling sick, tired, and maybe a little upset at those working around me.  I kept working, praying for help.  I was upset and angry, and I didn't know what to do to stop.  I knew the command is to "love thy neighbor as thyself," but how to do this when I was feeling so upset, mostly because I felt others were not being very forgiving of me and my weaknesses.

The thought occurred to me that I am a son of God, and He loves me.  More than that, they are sons and daughters of God and He loves them.  If God, the Eternal Father, who is all-knowing, loves them so much, and values them and wants them back in His presence so much, there must be something about them that I don't see or understand.  They must be worth so much for an omniscient, perfect Father in Heaven to love and value them so much that He sent His Son to suffer and die for them.

I was ashamed of how angry and unforgiving I had been of their weakness.  What should it matter if they were unforgiving of me?  Should I not still forgive them?  Has not the Lord said:  "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10)  More than that, does not Christ provide the opportunity for forgiveness to us?  Do I somehow think that I my opinion is better than my Father in Heaven's or my Savior's?

I'm sure grateful for ongoing insights about my loving Father and my Savior and Redeemer.  Let's all strive to be a little more like them:  full of love, and full of desire to see us, all of us, succeed and return to live with them.

Love you, my friends!  Take Care!

Line Upon Line, Growing a Little at a Time

This morning, I awoke to a dream that I could only remember one thing about:  for some reason I was in a cave and was observing the formation of stalactites and stalagmites.  For those of you who don't know, these cave features are created after many years (thousands in some cases) of water dripping off of the roof of the cave.  This water contains minerals that are deposited on the ceiling of the cave as the droplets leave the roof or the floor as they hit the ground.  The small amount of minerals build up over time to create the beautiful and sometimes very large formations that make up caves.

The thought struck me that that is like our own lives:  things of such a small nature build up over time to form the person that we are.  Perhaps that's why God asks us to do such small things every day, things like praying, reading the scriptures, being kind to one another, etc.  These small things are the things that - if done consistently over time, will lead to us becoming the people God wants us to be.  It really is the small and simple things by which great things are brought to pass.

After pondering this, I also realized how much farther along this year I am with dealing with the struggles of my anxiety disorder.  I've been trying to conquer it, doing those small and simple things every day, and most especially during trials to continue to rely on Heavenly Father for help.  While I am not yet healed from my illness, yet I am much further along, and I am more able to handle the hardships that God gives me and allows me to go through.

I thought of all that I've been through the past month or so.  How would I have handled that a year ago?  What about 5 years ago?  What about a decade ago?  I've gone from wondering if my anxiety disorder would keep me from ever holding a job, from going to college, from getting married. I have a Bachelor's degree, I'm working 3 jobs, one of them a private business teaching students, and I have a wonderful wife and at the end of May, we'll also have a little one (not sure 100% on boy or girl yet, though we think boy).  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, it's painful.  Yes, there are even days where I don't feel like I want to or even can leave the house, but I'm doing it.  It is an amazing thing, and such a great blessing from Heavenly Father.  I was grateful to remember the remnants of that dream, too, because it reminds me that God's plan is a plan of Eternal Progression.

I had a friend talking to me about this:  sometimes the world pushes on us a different model than that in the plan of happiness.  As Latter Day Saints, we know that God wants us to become like Him, and Christ has even commanded us, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)  However, our culture today is saturated with the diabolical idea of having things all at once, instead of gaining things a little at a time as is prudent and expedient.  This makes us feel sometimes that we have to be like God all at once, that we have to be perfect all at once.  While we should earnestly strive every day of our lives to live up to the ideal and example that our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ have given us, we would do well to remember that their way is that of eternal progression:  line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little, (see Isaiah 28:10, 13, and D&C 98:12) from now until eternity.  We don't become gods overnight, nor was God's intended purpose for us in mortality to every try and do so.  We are to do the best we can to become a little better every day of our lives.

I hope we can all remember this, and especially not be discouraged when we don't become what we want all at once.  Whether it is like me in striving to overcome a lifelong struggle with mental illness, or whether it is in our daily struggles with sin and personal weakness, let's all remember to be forgiving of ourselves.  And let's especially remember our Savior's love and our Father's love for us, His children.

Love you all, my friends and fellow-sufferers in Christ!

Remember, My Son

My experiences with working a new job, an old job, and teaching students has recently helped me to gain some new perspectives on things.  As I've been working so much, my stress levels have risen dramatically.  I had some challenges during this last little while that have been quite difficult to bear:  one week I was coughing almost all of the time, and I even ended up coughing up blood and a sludgy, black mucus (no worries for anyone very concerned:  the blood actually came from my nostrils since I'd also been blowing my nose a lot, and the black mucus was simply from dust and dirt from work).  I then had an incident where I had a fever and ended up passed out on the floor in our bathroom.  I woke up to Brooke checking on me when she heard me fall down late at night.  Another day, I awoke in the middle of the night and ended up throwing up and having diarrhea spells for a little well.

Kind of been a crazy little while!  Not only that, but other issues have come up to:  my grandpa in the hospital, and right after him, my step mom.  Then, my wife getting sick, and concerns about our baby all have made for a difficult time.

During this time, I've been trying to figure out what to do to help my body get enough rest and my mind to have some respite.  Most especially, I have striven to drop my stress levels to something more manageable, as stress is an important factor in handling anxiety.  It's been a hard battle, and yet the Lord has blessed both my wife and me with such amazing blessings.  It's been a hard road, but really neat.  After some of the difficult physical and mental health challenges, I have had a chance to ponder on my experiences, and I have realized a few things.

One thing I have noticed is that the natural man does have a tendency to turn inward when faced with struggles.  I sought many times to alleviate my pain and suffering by doing things that turned me inward:  playing video games, watching movies, etc.  All of those things really didn't help me in the long run, though they may have helped a little at the time.  While there is the necessity of taking time to rest and to take care of ourselves, we can't forget that those who turn inward and seek to "[find their] life shall lose it: and [they] that [lose their] life for my sake shall find it."  (Matt 10:39)  I found again that to reach out to others really does help me feel the comfort and peace of the Savior, and helps me more than if I simply seek to help myself only.

Another thing I have seen is the necessity to remove those things in my life that aren't necessary, to simplify, and remember and live up to those core values that are most important.  And what is most important?  Loving Heavenly Father, my family, and my neighbors and seeking to serve them.  What's not important?  Money, prestige, praise and honor of men.  It makes me think of a talk by Elder Uchtdorf.  In it he said that "during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."  He showed how this can be a pattern for our own lives:

When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be. ...

The wise understand and apply the lessons of tree rings and air turbulence. They resist the temptation to get caught up in the frantic rush of everyday life. They follow the advice “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” In short, they focus on the things that matter most.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, in a recent general conference, taught, “We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”

The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ—the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life.  (Of Things That Matter Most, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2010 General Conference)

I think the most important thing for me during this time to think about and remember is that my trials are something that will be for my good.  They are the very purpose for my being here on earth, and if God sees fit to give me hard things to bear and trials that feel to much to handle then it is because He knows I can get through them and learn great things from them.

If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 

The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? (D&C 122:5-8)

In all our struggles and trials, whether in pain or sorrow, fear or anguish of soul, let us remember most especially the example of our Savior, who took the bitter cup and drunk it.  I pray we can all have that strength to drink whatever bitter cup the Lord, in His wisdom and understanding, has given us.  Love you all, and may God bless you in your trials!

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7)