The Lord Can Strengthen Us

I've been facing some extremely difficult trials the past week and a half: stress, strain, and busy-ness beyond my body's ability to cope pushed me to the breaking point.  A persistent cold that turned into a fever made me lose all of my appetite.  I was hardly eating, I wasn't getting enough sleep, and I was running myself ragged with work and other engagements (one of which was my wife's performance on 2nd Oboe and English Horn for the Nutcracker:  one of the highlights of the week!!).  All of this culminated with me getting pretty ill over the weekend.  Saturday afternoon and through the night was spent sleeping.  After a brief scare Sunday morning, I stayed home from church and slept most of the day also.
Sunday morning, I had gotten up to use the restroom.  While I was washing my hands I started to feel a little dizzy, and the next thing I knew, my wife was waking me up from off of the floor where I had passed out.  Luckily, I just bumped my knee, and no permanent damage, but still:  pretty scary.
All that being said, yesterday I stayed home from work to get totally recovered.  I was going in to work very early the next morning, and so my wife and I decided to go to sleep pretty early.  It may have been a combination of a lot of things, but my heart was pounding, and I could not get to sleep.  I tried all night long to fall asleep, and had been hoping and praying for sleep to help me both get feeling better but also to get through a day at work without passing out.  Sleep didn't come, and came time for me to get up.  I was a little frightened about what work might bring, how I would do everything necessary, and - in my difficulties with anxiety - what those at work would think of me for missing work the previous day.  I prayed most especially for strength to get through the day.

I got to work, and -while I may have been a little miserable with a cough and aches - I got through the day!  I made it by the end, and I got home and rested.  It made me think of the scripture in 2 Nephi 25:23: "For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." I had done all I could to get healthy, and they needed me at work.  Not only that, I needed to work to make sure my wife and I are getting enough to help pay for our future family.  We had paid our tithing fully, I had been seeking opportunities to rest and allow my body to recover, and I had even recognized when I couldn't make it to work, and I had stayed home when I felt appropriate.  The only thing I did not do (and I wish I would've done this) is seek a priesthood blessing.  This is partly because of my struggle in talking to others and asking for others to go out of their way for me.  It's certainly not easy, but I know if I had received a priesthood blessing, I would've been so much better off.  Either way, the Lord helped make up for my weaknesses, and gave me the strength to get through the day and finish off well.

Once again, I am grateful for my trials.  I don't like them, but I know how beneficial they are for me.  I am grateful at the very least for the opportunity to learn greater gratitude for my challenges and trials.  Our Heavenly Father sure is amazing!  :)

Forgiveness and Agency

I was struggling this morning at work thinking that perhaps others were not being forgiving of my weaknesses and mistakes.  I thought about how important forgiveness is and was upset at them for not forgiving me.  I had an insight that really helped me, though.  First of all, I don't actually know if they were being forgiving or not:  I don't know exactly what they are thinking.  More than that, though, I can't control them forgiving me.  I can forgive them, though.

What got this thinking started was one of my co-workers at my other job yesterday had made a rude comment about something she didn't like me doing at work, which was my job essentially.  I was quite upset with her for quite a bit that afternoon, even to the point of wanting to be mean to her.  The internal struggle I was having was really the hurt I felt from feeling like I'm trying to do a good job up front and get the customers' orders out as quickly as possible.  Not only that, but it's not my job.  I'm supposed to be cleaning and talking to our customers, and that's all I'm required to do.  But I help in the back because it does help out others, her included.  For her to be so critical and unforgiving really hurt me.  Her complaint really had more to do with her own inadequacies and her deficiencies than anything else.  What hurt even more was how often she's not doing her job, where ever she is at.

By the end of the day, I realized that the best thing I could do for myself and for her was to forgive her for hurting me, and to remember that she also has weaknesses.  Whether she or anyone I encounter, such as at my morning job, forgives someone else is ultimately their choice.  If they have weaknesses and cannot do such as easily as I would like, could not I also be as forgiving as I would hope others would be with me?  It makes me think of when the Savior mentions when He taught His disciples to pray:  "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:  But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6:14-15).

I think that the biggest realization for me today (and of great help with my anxiety) is that I can choose to forgive others and not whether they will forgive me.  Most especially, I can strive to act as if they had already given that forgiveness for my personal weaknesses, because at the very least my Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ forgive me for my personal weaknesses.

Love you all, my friends!  Take Care!