I've recently had trouble with a student I've been teaching, and I had been getting frustrated as to what I could do to help her out. She's extremely bright and great at the violin, but our lessons are scattered at best with small moments of learning. I was thinking about what I might do, and felt I should study out what might help. After reading in a book I felt impressed to find and look over, I realized that my student had been acting out because of feeling helpless. She feels threatened when I tried to push her to do better because she had learned that reading notes was too hard for her. The phrase that popped out to me from the book ("Teaching with Love and Logic," Jim Fay and David Funk) was "learned helplessness." My student, let's call her Susan, had "learned" that she couldn't read notes and as a result was trying to take control of the situation by acting out.
This got me thinking about some of the things that I do that are a result of "learned helplessness." I did some more research and found that depression and anxiety disorders often result from feelings of helplessness and an inability to take charge of a situation.
This made me think of how much Satan desires us to believe that situations are outside of our control and that we have no power to act. It's interesting to me how different Heavenly Father's way of doing things is. In the bible dictionary, it says "Ever since the Fall God has been teaching men not to fear, but with penitence to ask forgiveness in full confidence of receiving it." (Fear, Bible Dictionary) Satan would have us be afraid and unable to handle our circumstances from this fear. God would see all of His children empowered to act out of perfect love, keeping His commandments because they love God and their fellow men.
Perhaps it would be wise for all of us to ponder our motivations: do I serve God out of fear, or do I do so out of love? Just a few thoughts to ponder. Love you all, my friends!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Be Not Weary in Well-Doing
As things have been so far, I've been typically rushing from place to place, from job to job, from appointment to appointment, and it was somewhat stressful to be worried about our little boy and know that we now had more on our plate and more appointments to go to. We then rushed over for a lab test for Brooke and made it home in time for me to drop her off and then head to teach lessons.
As far as lessons go, these were the hardest lessons I've taught in a while: distracted students who I was hoping for more progress from. It was discouraging, to say the least. I left and looked at my phone to see that my mom had called me twice and left a message. She's been struggling with loneliness and has been calling more and more often. As I was about to call her back up, I noticed a gentleman on the side of the road with a sign: "Anything helps. God Bless." I wanted to help, but also felt that money was not the best way to do so (and besides, I had less than a dollar on me). I decided to pull over, and call my mom back.
As background, my mom has some co-dependency issues, and lately has been calling every day or more. It's added considerable stress to Brooke and my already busy and stressful life, and I was struggling at that moment, knowing how much I wanted to help someone else, knowing that mom was needing someone to talk to, knowing that I wanted to just go home and rest after an already long and stressful day.
I did my best to listen patiently to mom, although I was distracted and didn't remember too much of what she said. When I got off of the phone with her, I talked to the gentleman and asked if I could bring him some food. He said that he would love some and suggested the $5 Hot'N'Ready Pizzas from Little Ceaser's. I went to grab it and came back with it, and he told me that he had been just about ready to give up for the day on getting some help when I came and asked if he was hungry. It was a neat confirmation of the Lord's care for His children, of His mindfulness of their circumstances, and of His love. On such a trying day, I had the opportunity to serve one of His children, and it helped me feel more personally of His love not only for that gentleman, but of His love for me.It made me think of a scripture quoted in a talk I'd heard earlier that day: "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." (D&C 64:33)
No matter what our day has been like, no matter how hard things have been or are for us, let's not forget to serve others of God's children, to listen to the voice of the Spirit to inspire us in how we can help others in their extremities.
Love you all, my dear friends!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Patience and the Law of Eternal Progression
Some hard trials today (a serious relapse of anxiety) has reminded me of God's kindness and His long-suffering towards us. I was working hard at my job, struggling with anxiety issues at the same time we were quite busy. As I tried to overcome my own personal shyness and do something difficult at work, one of the employees seemed upset. My anxiety increased because of this, fearing I had done something that may have upset her. At one point during the day, I heard her saying my name, and I even heard her say: "I'm going to slap Tim if he does that one more time." Now, it may have been the anxiety that caused me to misjudge what I overheard, but I'm almost certain that's what I heard. She seemed quite genial to me later, but I don't know what to trust even now: what I knew I heard and felt - which was hostility and anger towards me - or how she treated me.
Either way, this caused me a great deal of pain, anguish, and raised my anxiety levels to an unbearable state. I have, in fact, not had this bad of anxiety for a long time - 2-3 years at least.
My difficulty comes in two forms: How do I forgive someone who continues to treat me like this and cause me such pain (this isn't the first time she's treated me and others poorly like this)? and how do I forgive myself for struggling like this?
In my struggle, I continue to blame myself for my weaknesses. I was grateful to read this morning and be reminded of Ether 12:27, and especially this line: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Not only that, I remembered that God's plan is the plan of Eternal Progression, not of instant progression. We are here to learn "line upon line, precept upon precept."
I'm also grateful for these words from Elder Holland:
Keep me in your prayers, my dear friends: I may be in for a struggle ahead. But with Christ and God and the support of my wonderful family and friends, I can make it.
Love you all!
"Thy friends do stand by thee, and shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." (D&C 121:9)
Either way, this caused me a great deal of pain, anguish, and raised my anxiety levels to an unbearable state. I have, in fact, not had this bad of anxiety for a long time - 2-3 years at least.
My difficulty comes in two forms: How do I forgive someone who continues to treat me like this and cause me such pain (this isn't the first time she's treated me and others poorly like this)? and how do I forgive myself for struggling like this?
In my struggle, I continue to blame myself for my weaknesses. I was grateful to read this morning and be reminded of Ether 12:27, and especially this line: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Not only that, I remembered that God's plan is the plan of Eternal Progression, not of instant progression. We are here to learn "line upon line, precept upon precept."
I'm also grateful for these words from Elder Holland:
If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education. (Like a Broken Vessel, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)I sometimes forget that I have come a long way from where I was. When I started college, I couldn't go to anyone's house to hang out. In high school, I struggled with deep depression. In Junior High, I didn't want to leave the house to go to school because I was so afraid. Even 5 years ago, I never thought that I could ever hold a job or have a family, and I've been able to hold around 4-5 small part time jobs at once, I've been teaching, I've held 3 jobs with 2 being extremely fast-paced and high stress, I've made a difference in my community, and I have made friends and changed lives. I'm starting a family, and am dealing with the stress that comes from that, and I continue to struggle and fight against all difficulties. Though I had the worse relapse I have had in a long while, I continue to persevere and move forward. Despite the pain and fear I struggle with every day of my life, with God's help and through Christ's grace that truly does "make weak things become strong," I can make it through this and all other trials.
Keep me in your prayers, my dear friends: I may be in for a struggle ahead. But with Christ and God and the support of my wonderful family and friends, I can make it.
Love you all!
"Thy friends do stand by thee, and shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." (D&C 121:9)
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Self-Talk and Enabling Agency
I was watching some of my co-workers at my old job and how they talk to and interact with others, and how I interact with myself and realized some neat things. Along the same lines of my article on Gratitude, what we talk about and think about changes our focus. I realized how the guys I was working with were talking negatively and how much that affected their job performance and their overall happiness. I also realized how a slight change in my language could help them, and how the same thing applies to us as we talk to ourselves.
As I was working alongside some guys at work, I noticed how upset they got and how often they apologized for making mistakes that I thought were pretty minor. When I said they were fine, no apology needed, it made a slight difference in their attitude, although not by much. But when I went further and let them know I thought they were doing a great job, and I was amazed that they were able to make so few mistakes with the difficult lot they'd been given, a very different thing happened: they started to realize that at least I thought they were doing a great job, and they made less mistakes and worked even harder.
At my other afternoon job, a similar thing happened. I had a manager who had been - albeit jokingly - saying how bad a job someone was doing. Another manager was (again jokingly) even more harsh in his criticism. I realized how both these approaches created a negative feeling from the individuals involved. While I know that the intention of these managers was to help inspire and motivate in a playful way, it diminished that person's sense of worth. I started bringing in some positive feedback, some words of encouragement and once again there was an evident change.
Thinking about all of this, I realized how the way I was speaking to myself, my "self-talk," about my circumstances and situations had begun to make me feel quite terrible about my circumstances. I'd begun to be less grateful, less happy, and generally more anxious and scared of those around me. A slight shift in my speaking has made a huge difference.
One area that I wanted to focus on was on how the way we speak to ourselves can help us focus on our agency and how this can help us feel less anxious and more secure.
One of the struggles with anxiety is a feeling of being powerless and helpless, that things are outside our control and that all is lost to us. Sometimes, the way we talk even encourages this assumption: "I have to get this done," "I should've done this better," etc. etc. This kind of language not only focuses us on negative things, but it also encourages an almost slave mentality within our minds: we "should" does not say why, but has the underlying child-fearing "because I said so," without any respect to ourselves, our thoughts, our needs, and our ability to make decisions based on our circumstances.
For example, let's say John's been going to college. It's getting close to the end of the week a difficult assignment is due, and John has only half finished it by the deadline. He manages to get it in a few days late, but is docked 20% on his grade because he missed the deadline. He thinks to himself: "I should've spent more time working on that assignment!"
If John simply neglected the assignment, we might think the same, but what if I told you that, in addition to college classes, John has been working 2 jobs to help support his family, his wife and 3 kids. He is also an Elder's Quorum President, and that week his wife got really sick and he was doing the housework and running his kids to school so his wife could stay home and recuperate. How reasonable does his statement sound? What if he said instead: "If I wanted to get the full grade, it would've been easier for me to turn it in on time if I had . . . " This change in language changes the feeling that we get about the situation. It helps us realize what the focus was and how to go about doing it, and it leaves us with a choice.
Even that statement, though, is still negative because it focuses on things outside our control: the past. What if he said instead: "This week, I had a lot going on. In the future, it might make it easier for me to turn an assignment like this on time if were to . . ."
The battle over agency that we fought for in heaven is still going on today. We see it more obviously in those who seek to exercise unrighteous dominion over others, but it is there in our everyday lives as Satan strives to make us feel powerless and helpless over our circumstances. As we strive to recognize how we can make our own decisions, how we can be agents unto ourselves by making decisions based on righteous priorities, we begin to see how much power God has given us in our lives. No one can choose the circumstances he is placed in, but every person can choose what to do with the trials, the struggles, and the circumstances God has placed us in for our growth, our edification, for our Salvation and Exaltation.
Let's strive to speak more kindly to each other, and especially to ourselves. Let's strive to speak in such a way that every person can feel that they have that unlimited potential to choose for themselves. Let's focus on what we can do and remember that God loves us and will not ever hold us responsible for those things that are outside our control.
Love you all, my friends!
As I was working alongside some guys at work, I noticed how upset they got and how often they apologized for making mistakes that I thought were pretty minor. When I said they were fine, no apology needed, it made a slight difference in their attitude, although not by much. But when I went further and let them know I thought they were doing a great job, and I was amazed that they were able to make so few mistakes with the difficult lot they'd been given, a very different thing happened: they started to realize that at least I thought they were doing a great job, and they made less mistakes and worked even harder.
At my other afternoon job, a similar thing happened. I had a manager who had been - albeit jokingly - saying how bad a job someone was doing. Another manager was (again jokingly) even more harsh in his criticism. I realized how both these approaches created a negative feeling from the individuals involved. While I know that the intention of these managers was to help inspire and motivate in a playful way, it diminished that person's sense of worth. I started bringing in some positive feedback, some words of encouragement and once again there was an evident change.
Thinking about all of this, I realized how the way I was speaking to myself, my "self-talk," about my circumstances and situations had begun to make me feel quite terrible about my circumstances. I'd begun to be less grateful, less happy, and generally more anxious and scared of those around me. A slight shift in my speaking has made a huge difference.
One area that I wanted to focus on was on how the way we speak to ourselves can help us focus on our agency and how this can help us feel less anxious and more secure.
One of the struggles with anxiety is a feeling of being powerless and helpless, that things are outside our control and that all is lost to us. Sometimes, the way we talk even encourages this assumption: "I have to get this done," "I should've done this better," etc. etc. This kind of language not only focuses us on negative things, but it also encourages an almost slave mentality within our minds: we "should" does not say why, but has the underlying child-fearing "because I said so," without any respect to ourselves, our thoughts, our needs, and our ability to make decisions based on our circumstances.
For example, let's say John's been going to college. It's getting close to the end of the week a difficult assignment is due, and John has only half finished it by the deadline. He manages to get it in a few days late, but is docked 20% on his grade because he missed the deadline. He thinks to himself: "I should've spent more time working on that assignment!"
If John simply neglected the assignment, we might think the same, but what if I told you that, in addition to college classes, John has been working 2 jobs to help support his family, his wife and 3 kids. He is also an Elder's Quorum President, and that week his wife got really sick and he was doing the housework and running his kids to school so his wife could stay home and recuperate. How reasonable does his statement sound? What if he said instead: "If I wanted to get the full grade, it would've been easier for me to turn it in on time if I had . . . " This change in language changes the feeling that we get about the situation. It helps us realize what the focus was and how to go about doing it, and it leaves us with a choice.
Even that statement, though, is still negative because it focuses on things outside our control: the past. What if he said instead: "This week, I had a lot going on. In the future, it might make it easier for me to turn an assignment like this on time if were to . . ."
The battle over agency that we fought for in heaven is still going on today. We see it more obviously in those who seek to exercise unrighteous dominion over others, but it is there in our everyday lives as Satan strives to make us feel powerless and helpless over our circumstances. As we strive to recognize how we can make our own decisions, how we can be agents unto ourselves by making decisions based on righteous priorities, we begin to see how much power God has given us in our lives. No one can choose the circumstances he is placed in, but every person can choose what to do with the trials, the struggles, and the circumstances God has placed us in for our growth, our edification, for our Salvation and Exaltation.
Let's strive to speak more kindly to each other, and especially to ourselves. Let's strive to speak in such a way that every person can feel that they have that unlimited potential to choose for themselves. Let's focus on what we can do and remember that God loves us and will not ever hold us responsible for those things that are outside our control.
Love you all, my friends!
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